Neymar a soy boy, Diego Maradona a joke and no to female commentators: A very gammon view of the World Cup 2018

In 1928, Jules Rimet had a dream. “My grandfather was a humanist and idealist, who believed that sport could unite the world,” his grandson, Yves Rimet, told The Independent in 2006. “Unlike many others in his time, he realised that, to be truly democratic, to truly engage the masses, international sport must be professional.” And so the idea of the Fifa World Cup was first born.

It turned out to be a fairly good idea in the end, didn’t it? The 21st tournament has arguably been the best yet: a true feast of fast-paced attacking play with some genuinely shocking upsets, that has possibly even reinstated international football as the pinnacle of the game. If big Jules is looking down from the great crystal Fifa palace in the sky, he would surely be a very proud man indeed.


For so many it has been the perfect tournament at the start of a potentially perfect summer. Particularly in Blighty, where Gareth Southgate’s band of eminently likeable lads have already exceeded expectations.

But we do not yet live in the perfect world. And despite all of the brilliant goals, nail-biting VAR decisions and laudable shithousery (we’re looking at you, Colombia) there are still those who would rather moan about something — anything — than join in indiscriminately yelling ‘IT’S COMING HOME!’ with the rest of us.

These people have a collective name: The Gammon. And unfortunately, they walk among us.

Believe it or not, not everybody has been enjoying the innocent pleasures of the 2018 Fifa World Cup Russia™. Where one person sees an all-time football legend celebrate a sublime goal by his anointed heir, another sees a washed-up old joke who needs to rein it in. And where one sees England — England — win a knockout match on penalty kicks, another sees Raheem Sterling, and a frankly unacceptable 86.4% pass completion rate.

For all of the many, many unforgettable moments this World Cup has provided us with, there has also been a lot of Gammon reaction, which deserves to be exposed. It’s what Jules would have wanted, after all.

1. Neymar is an attention seeking soy boy
Typical gammon take:
“Joking aside, Neymar for me represents everything that is wrong with football: pointless showboating, disrespect, diving, selfishness, pursuit of money, attention-seeking, hurting your team but pleasing the masses with a piece of skill, lack of professionalism—everything.”

Neymar has a beautiful head of hair and appears to take great enjoyment in cutting, colouring and coiffing it in the hours ahead of kick-off. In case you have failed to notice, he is also rather good at football, regularly tormenting his cookie-cutter opponents with tricks including the ball roll chop, lollipop and rainbow flick. And let’s not ignore that — on ocassion — he has also been known to exaggerate contact, partaking in a few theatrical rolls across the turf after being hacked down for the 3874th time in a match.





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