Guilt is Killing Me, I Destroyed My Ex-boyfriend's Manhood for making me go through series of abortions- Woman Confesses

A woman has found herself in a dilemma after using a drug to destroy her former boyfriend's manhood for making her go through many abortions and destroying her womb. 

Guilt is killing me. Please, advice me.

My name is Jessica and I'm 24 years old. I've been dating my boyfriend for so many years. Since when I was 18. He has been there for me through thick and thin. I have had four abortions for him. one night, I decided to ask if he sees me as a wife material. The guy said no, that I'm just for fun and I've destroyed my womb so he can't marry me. I was shattered. Then, I acted like I didn't even care. 

A week after, he started cheating on me. I found out, he dumped me saying he wants a fresh girl with intact womb and so on. Meanwhile, I was planning to destroy him. My bestfriend said she would help me destroy his manhood and she did! 

She just gave me something to give him to drink. She found a way to help me make sure he never has kids. We permanently destroyed his sperm count and his d*ck. I tested this by calling him and asking if we should have a last s*x.
He surprisingly agreed! My dear, the dick did NOT stand. He tried and tried but nothing, so he just gave me mind blowing oral s*x and we called it a night! So, some days back he called me and started talking to me about his d*ck issue because we are still close. 

He even said the girl dumbed him because of it. My dear, I loved watching him go through that pain. So, I agreed to keep dating him in exchange for bomb heads oh. Since he couldn't make love, we would just make out and I'll get my daily dose of oral s*x. Now, I've started feeling bad for him because I've destroyed his life. But, do you think he deserves it? Advice me.